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Our Father Who Art In Heaven, Please Don’t Touch Me
By Fr. Dennis | November 5, 2005
I don’t really mean that. I truly want the Father in heaven to touch me deeply and forever. But can we please, as a Church, just end our experiment with hand-holding during the Our Father at mass already?
At mass this morning in our chapel, we had a number of guests with us who were here, either visiting family or on retreat. Because of the way our seating is arranged, I was in a position to see one group of visitors. They were a family consisting of a father and mother in their late 50’s and a son and daughter-in-law in their late 20’s. When it came time to pray the Our Father, the son had his hands folded in front of him. He closed his eyes as he began to pray. His father took his daughter-in-law’s hand on his left, and she took her mother-in-law’s hand on her left, and then the father reached for his son’s hand to his right. His son continued to pray, so his father reached across his son to take one of his hands. His son, interrupted from praying, looked over, gave his father an annoyed look, and left his hands in front of him, so that his father had to continue stretching with his reach in order to hold his son’s hand. He continued holding his son’s hand, which was still folded with the other hand in front of him, despite knowing his son did not want to hold hands during the Our Father.
Now, none of the seminarians, who made up 95% of the congregation at mass, and none of the priests engaged in any hand-holding, so it just seemed out of place that they would engage in this “local pious custom” in a chapel that did not use that practice.
Is this the unity in prayer that was supposed to result from all this hand-holding? I remember when the pastor at my church when I was in high school introduced the practice, and explained to us how this one prayer, the perfect prayer taught by Jesus, was something that all Christians had in common, and that by holding hands during the prayer, we would symbolize unity. It made sense to me as a 9th grader.
But as an adult, I became aware that since we were already praying the prayer together, in unison, hopefully in the same rhythm at the same speed, as one voice, we were already a sign of unity. Yes, I know there is always that old guy at the back of the church (or maybe my younger brother) who thinks the Our Father is a race, and you win by finishing ahead of everyone else. But the theory is that we are praying TOGETHER, and that’s unity. Plus, let’s not forget Holy Communion. That is the principle sign of the unity of the Church, a sign above all other signs. Hand-holding becomes a redundant symbol.
As a kid, I remember it was clearly explained to us that hand-holding would be optional, so that anyone who didn’t want to do it wouldn’t have to. But as the custom spread from parish to parish, from city to city, I noticed that people who did not want to hold hands were more and more being pressured into it. Almost as if there was some kind of judgment being passed that if you didn’t want to hold hands, you must think you’re better than everyone, and everyone knows that makes you a hypocrite and so you’re actually not better, you’re worse. A person who refuses to hold hands becomes a kind of Pharisee who’s too good to hold the hand of the person next to him.
And then came the business of people raising up their own hands and the hands of the people they’ve grabbed onto during the doxology (”For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours now and forever). Sometimes you could very easily find your hand being yanked upward, even if you weren’t in a comfortable position to do that. Thankfully, the family at mass did not do the hand-raising thing.
To show what a distraction this whole hand-holding custom is, let me show you the kind of running monologue that goes on inside my head when I have been at parishes and it’s time for the Our Father:
Ah, time for the Our Father. Yes! Ok, start with everyone else.
“Our Father, who art in heaven…”
I think I’ll close my eyes so I can really pray, and really mean it. What’s this? Oh, gee, someone is trying to grab my hand. Should I take their hand or not? Well, it’s supposed to be optional, and I should be allowed to pray without holding their hand. And I see some people doing it, and some people not doing it.
And of course, it’s not in the General Instruction on the Roman Missal anywhere. This hand-holding thing isn’t really a part of our ritual and tradition. Yet, what if I don’t hold their hand? Will they think I’m some kind of a snob? Will they think that don’t actually want to be in communion with them? Ok, fine, I’ll hold their hand. Eww. His palm is a little sweaty. Oh well, God made all differnet kinds. No big deal.
“…our daily bread, and forgive us…”
Damn it! We’re half-way through the prayer and I haven’t been praying. I’ve been futzing around with this hand-holding thing. I really wanted to pray and now I’ve wasted all this time not praying. GRR! And I’m still doing it! I’m still not praying!
“…deliver us from evil.”
And now it’s over. I’ve missed it. But he’s still holding my hand. I hope he doesn’t try to lift my hand up in some kind of corny praise gesture. Oh, well, I can see he is.
“…kingdom, and the power…”
I hate this I hate this I hate this! He’s got my wrist twisted and I think he’s going to break my hand off. God, why do you do this to me?
“forever and ever.”
Does anyone else have this experience? Am I the only one who never really gets to pray the Our Father at mass when people want to hold hands?
November 5th, 2005 at 2:17 pm
Dennis,
Thank You! I have worked hard to be ok with the hand-holding at mass. Have you ever tried to decline hand-holding? Its impossible.
November 5th, 2005 at 10:56 pm
Fred,
To the contrary it is quite possible, you just have to have the same level of tenacity and perseverence that the hand-holders have.
In my wife’s NO parish (as opposed to my TM parish)the hand-holders nearly conquered but then I, and a few others started the rebellion. You see, they really can’t make you hold hands with them. They count on your silence and lack of resistance (kind of like pedophiles, come to think of it). They know you don’t want to make a scene and they take advantage of it.
But, here’s how to win. First, don’t offer your hand. If they take or grab your hand, take or yank it back. Be as gentle as they let you be but as firm as you need to be.
In this way our rebellion–which has never been spoken among us but which is coordinated by our shared desire to pray without being pestered by oooey-gooey baby boomers and their loathesome children–has taken back a quarter of the congregation at the more lax of the two Sunday masses and half or better at the other one.
Of course, you always have to be ready to use the “nuclear option.” Most would use it reluctantly. Personally, I’m just dying for a legitimate opportunity to employ it. When one of the handholders grabs your hand and refuses your retreat, yank it back with force and loudly say “Madame, PLEASE, I am a married man!”
Other variations would include “Sir, unhand me! I will not be accosted by your twisted affections in the House of God!”
You get the idea. Sure, you could go along to get along. But that’s how we wound up with all of the liturgical bastardization and free-style Kumbaya offensiveness that we have today.
Of course, you could get out the whip and drive these people out of the temple–but perhaps that’s too Christ-like for beginners like us.
November 6th, 2005 at 10:16 am
Could you pass me a sani-wipe please?
November 6th, 2005 at 2:20 pm
Thanks, Bill!
Pardon my >IGNORANCE
November 6th, 2005 at 6:21 pm
in our parish, our late deceased pastor gave sermons on why we should not be holding hands during the lords prayer … most of our parishioners do not - occasional visitors and parishioners who have come from elsewhere do it, but they are far and away in the minority … and those of us who pray with palms up and extended slightly in front of us sometimes risk a visitor grabbing it to pray, but i’ve been able to pull back sucessfully without much more than a curious look from them that usggest they think i must be wierd or something
November 8th, 2005 at 12:30 pm
Dennis, I don’t need to say I agree with you, since you know I hate the hand holding. I just wish every Diocese would follow St. Louis and Ban it.
November 12th, 2005 at 9:40 pm
Excuse me, Dennis, but is the chapel you referred to the Monte Cassino chapel down the road from the monastery?
November 12th, 2005 at 9:50 pm
Actually, no. The St. Meinrad School of Theology (the seminary) has a chapel for the seminary. It’s next to Anselm Hall, on the 2nd floor.
November 13th, 2005 at 3:06 pm
Thanks. Just curious, I’ve been meaning to go to Monte Cassino (chapel) for Mass on the weekends. I’m from Ferdinand, but live in Chicago.
April 11th, 2006 at 4:08 pm
We are having a similar problem where I go to school. I am from the Arlington diocese and go to school in the Richmond diocese which is fairly liberal to what I’m used to. At my home church we keep to ourselves and don
August 14th, 2006 at 3:39 am
Look at the people as ur brother and sisters as we are holding hand to show Lord that we as brothers and siters in unity saying Prayers to our Abba Father. If u think this way there won’t be any problem. Ignroe what he is doing and pray faithfull as God is there to look after u
April 1st, 2008 at 8:49 am
I realize you wrote this well over 2 years ago, but I had been looking for posts on hand holding during the Our Father and found this. Thank you SO much for spreading this information. It’s a huge major problem in my 99.9% Mexican church (I’m Latina, but not Mexican), because these people have been holding hands since before any of us were born. I’m part of the choir (I play bass), and the choir members are always trying to hold my hand. It looks really bad when the whole choir is holding hands in a circle and the bassist is off to the side, looking anti-social… But I stand by my decision. We are already unified in prayer, why do we need to hold hands to show it?